Warning: mention of suicidal/depressive thoughts- please do not read if you feel it will harm you!
In less then an hour it is my birthday, and for once in my life I am celebrating.
A year ago today I sat at the dinner table with my family and as I blew out my candles I wished that I would die soon, I didn’t care how but I wanted it to happen. It felt weird that everyone was so excited for me and, I was silently dying inside more and more every second.
Every year I have had a hard time with my birthday since .. probably my twelfth? Birthday.. I remember one year I was turning 15, my biological father or as I prefer to call him “sperm donor” (because the only part he had in my life was creating me..) texted me and I quote “happy b day” no excitement no “I love you” or care put into it but it made my day. I was so broken at this time and I was confused, I didint know how I felt about life or people in my life, I was conflicted in so many ways about so many things, all the while struggling through high school.. so him “Acknowledging” me if you call it that somehow was what I thought I needed.
I now, don’t feel this way at all- I find it quite hilarious that a piece of shit like that could have ever been something I thought I needed any approval from.. but we live, we learn.. and Most of us grow up.
It’s been a rough many years and this year I am taking the day, I gifted myself this one day to not work and to do things I enjoy.. to see people I care about and to actually celebrate the fact that I am in fact alive. I made it another year. For anyone who struggles or has struggled with depression you know how hard each day can be. So making it another year is a huge accomplishment.
Looking back it’s crazy to think that I didint take my life sooner and at the same time I am beyond grateful that I didint. You know how people say that “things will get better” and you roll your eyes and definitely DONT believe in it.. well it’s true. I never thought I would have ended up meeting this family, my family.. that I could have come as far as I have in coping and feeling better. I never thought I had any chance or hope in life.. the only thing I knew was that college meant a better life and man, I never knew that college would mean a COMPLETLEY new life.
College didint end up being the education that saved me, in fact it was the education that caused me harm, but I got so much more out of it- I met Ryan who led me to (then) his family which is now my family as well and they are truly the reason I am here today. Not only am I here but I am happy being here.
If you had told me in high school I would meet a great family and get the help I needed and be able to afford basic items in life I never would have believed it. Yet, here I am.
So to all of you out there, wether you are depressed, have been depressed or maybe you are just having an AWFUL day- it will get better. There are people out there you haven’t even met yet that love you and care for you and need you in there life..
And to all you fellow September babies.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Here’s to turning 21!