Warning: Mention of abuse.
Usually being kind is a good thing, but for me it goes to far most of the time.
Here’s what I mean by that- the other day I was driving home and as I was coming up to an intersection (with a green light) a car across from me who was turning left thought they could race and get through before I got there.. except there was one problem, they didint check if anyone was walking and halted to a stop right in my pathway. Luckily I was able to stop in time but I didn’t even honk.. why? Because the thought that went threw my head was “I don’t want to upset her” I’m not at all an aggressive driver. This happens in my personal life too.
I have a major problem with anger and assertion, I avoid it at all costs! Seriously! It’s so bad that I don’t even speak up to tell someone that it WASN’T ME when they assume it was!
There’s only one person in my life who I don’t hold back my anger with and I guess that says a lot about my level of trust in him. I have yelled and screamed called names and cursed and he’s done the same with me but I never fear him. I don’t fear him physically or any other way. He can make me furious at times but deep down he is the one person I feel safe enough around to express my anger with.
I am working on this, slowly and many times not in the most useful ways.. I do dumb stuff like yell “you fucking dogs” when they won’t stop barking and random shit.. or sometimes I will hold on to anger and then tell people off through text.. obviously if I’m texting I don’t have to worry that they can physically harm me so it’s a safe option for me. Some say it’s cowardly, but for me it’s one of the only ways I’m able to express my anger.
My fears are strongly rooted in my past, I grew up knowing that anger turned into violence and especially with men they get very aggressive so I still to this day even after meeting many kind men who wouldn’t and haven’t hurt me still can’t face anger and confrontation. I also can’t assert myself at all! Because.. what if I upset them!?
Although I have a problem speaking up and putting my foot down I’m also very self aware and have a lot of self respect- I made a promise to myself to not keep toxic,bullying, abusive, aggressive or violent people in my life for any reason. I also made a promise that I would only work In positive environments for bosses who show care and respect to there staff.
I’m currently in a dillema with a work situation in which I have the option to avoid, or assert and of course my choice is avoid.. but beyond that it’s to choose self respect.
It’s taken me years to have this awareness and understanding of how trauma is an ongoing influence in my life but I won’t let it trap me because I want to live my best life.